Cassi
Kaplan
There’s no ‘ai’ in Cassi*
*do not fact check
With the cynicism of a 70 year old man, and the fresh, unfiltered outlook of a syrup-covered toddler, Cassi has brought her offbeat wit to the world of advertising and branding for over a decade.
Work I Did.
Fifteen things, roughly in order. Click any of them.
Where I’ve Been.
Zulu Alpha Kilo
McCann
Homeworld (co-founder)
RBC Ventures
TAXI
Leo Burnett
What People Are Saying.
“Working with Cassi is simply delightful!”
– Real coworker
“Why the heck would anyone do that!?”
– Cassi’s 4 year old, when told what Mommy does for work
“You only cry 3 times in your life. When you’re born, when you’re married, and when you die.”
– Uncle Bill
“Have you ever seen a commercial or billboard and thought to yourself, ‘I wonder what kind of moron came up with that?’ That’s my daughter!”
– Dad
48 Thoughts.
I can wait to hear about your trip.
I wish everything in life was free like it is at self-checkouts.
My OnlyFans? You mean my parents.
These workouts ain’t working out.
What’s your favourite part of the zucchini? Mine is throwing it in the garbage.
My favourite position is fetal.
Let’s call alfalfa sprouts what they really are: salad pubes.
I’m becoming all the ages I always thought were old & gross.
The people who snore the loudest always fall asleep the fastest.
Wow. I love what you’ve done with the face.
When you have to pee really badly but the shower isn’t hot yet…
Finally, time to put the TV on and watch TikTok.
You swallow 10 apple stickers a year.
A workout studio I went to ONCE wished me a happy birthday before my family did.
Lights. Camera. Anxiety!
I wish I was married to a photographer. My life would look so much better.
Kale tastes better if you give it acupuncture first.
Why are animals the most affectionate when they stink like shit?
In Hollywood, you have to choose between looking weird and looking old.
Everyone in Winnipeg’s name is Meagan.
You’re married to your high school sweetheart? Awwwww, how grotesque!
Do you part your leg hair down the middle or off to the side?
Hilaria Baldwin’s morning routine: Make coffee, eat breakfast, have baby, workout
You know someone’s rich when their Aesop hasn’t been refilled with SoftSoap.
I just don’t know if I can trust that “push to lock” button.
Getting married seems like a lot of work just so you can get a new toaster.
There’s literally nothing I want less in life than a sous vide egg bite from Starbucks.
Growing up my mom thought ‘fruit punch’ sounded too violent so we had to drink ‘fruit hug.’
Corn on the cob... more like corn in my tooth.
Pear tastes like a healthy apple.
Is it possible to absolutely hate yourself but still think you’re better than everyone else?
How does one get into luge? They were just really good at tobogganing as a kid?
Vlogging is a great way to stay annoying.
Bathtub essentials: toaster.
Doctor: “Is there a history of death in the family?”
Pass the parmesan... I’d like to add more food to my food.
If you’re happy and you know it... just wait.
The hotel robes just aren’t the same when you steal them and wear them at home.
“Jesus! Get down from that cross. You’re going to get yourself killed” – Jewish mother
How many calories are in a man bun?
That weed really brings out the red in your eyes.
We’re all destined for gayness.
My Jewish mom said I could date anyone, just as long as I’m related to him.
Imagine how convenient it would be to get hit by an ambulance.
Is Pinocchio’s nose circumcised?
It’s always a sad day when you see your friend try to be an influencer on instagram.
A great way to lose weight is to cook your own chicken and then be too afraid to eat it.
But first, depression.